I'm Married to the Death

 I was trying to portrait the relationship of life, love and death in literature.
Personally, I was contemplating while writing this down and I think it's just beautiful.
I'm not broken or in a psychological breakdown, so for my family members who are reading this please be rest assured that this is a form of an art. :)

Life is miserable
A soul was born
A soul was taken
Trying to refuse is futile

Love is poison
The moment you give into the happiness
The later you'll reap the sorrowness
Trying to deny is useless

The moment you let yourself be engaged by love
The moment you will realize that you'll have to let go

Some says,
Life is a mystery
The moment you try to mimic ones happiness
The moment you realize you are wrong
Finding out your own key is the solution

Life may not give you what you've always wanted
Life may not grant you what you've always wished
We hate life as much as we hate the Death
We despise life as much as we despise Fate

I may not be perfect
Not you either
I've fallen in love with my Life
yet I'm married to my own Death

For years I tried my utmost
For a way to separate myself from it
For years I try my utmost
Hiding and running away from it

Yet,
Death will never let me go.

Relationship, Partners or Best Friend

So, I was perked to write this on my blog since lots of girls in my country are too eager to get married at the age of 22.

Yep, I am 21 year-old and everytime I met my relatives, they bring up the topic about marriage. Seriously, it is very much annoying sometimes I want to slap them and say "wake up!!! this is the 21st century!", but then I can't.

Personally, I don't care and I'm not interested in marriage. Not that because of my parents and what they did to each other, but I don't really want a commitment. You could say I have a commitment issue.

I just want to have fun and I don't really trust the other. Sorry to disappoint you guys, my family. This is just me.

Perception is critical

This afternoon, I discussed about my father with a friend, Jenny. She mention my father as irresponsible and unfaithful toward his family, causing troubles and misery in the family. Everyone in my family hate him, such as my uncles and my grandparents. If she were to be put in my shoes, she'll definitely hate him and torture him mentally as much as possible. So I tell her about my thinking if in the parallel universe, my father is a very faithful husband and a responsible father unlike the father in this world, I wonder if without him as an object of hatred and example of an unfaithful husband, would it be possible that, perhaps, one of my uncles will be the one take the role as an unfaithful and irresponsible man.

She said that my father is different than the rest of his siblings. He's the only one to be unfaithful. So even though the situation changed where my father is faithful toward his marriage, there's impossible for others to cheat. Yeah, that's what you say. But still possibility still lies and no one will know.

Well, I've seen one of my uncle being so unfaithful before and after the marriage. I've seen my other family member did the same (I prefer to protect his identity). I wonder what Jenny would think if she found out that some of the family member that she knows has the same manner. But, because the existence of my father as a place to accumulate the hatred, everyone seems to consider about this insolent act and behave very well hereafter.

From what I've derived in this intense conversation with her, I simply conclude that perception alone is really dangerous. If we let our mind to be manipulated with perception, we'll lose the big picture. This might sound silly but this has been the same mistake that caused our countries political situation to be so chaotic.

When this kind of situation appear especially in someone we know very well or close to, it's such a shock to all of us. We try to refuse the idea and live in disbelief which cause in disappointment. But let's take a look as if she was first to hear about my dad directly from me (no, she doesn't. She heard about my dad from my uncle which left a real bad impression, of course!) perhaps I'd say the same thing but I'll never express the same hatred and opinion as my uncle, why, because I am his daughter. I know him more than anything. More than my uncle. Well, perhaps if I weren't to cool off for a while and contemplate about this whole thing, maybe I'll hate him as much as my uncle did too. Since I tried to see the whole big picture, about what good it does to me and accept that my dad may have made mistake and destroyed his marriage life and our life, but I realize he is regretting it until this day and never have he been neglecting us entirely (though he did in financial terms but he still is seeing me and my brothers) plus, he is willing to repent for his mistake.

I never again want to let myself be engulfed in hatred and foolishness. I've made problems and mistakes, my parents always forgive me. So when he made mistake why couldn't we, as his children do the same in return? We are family after all, no matter what other people said.

Dad, Mom. I'm a changed woman. ^_^

Dad, I am truly sorry.

This has been 2 weeks after my second semester's final exam occured. I feel so bored this holiday and wishing that I can go back home as soon as possible but I still have some matters to attend. Right this evening, my friend inform me that our exam scores has been published in the university's website. I really have a bad feeling about this because for this semester I've done something really bad. Really bad that it'll disappoint my father as he's sponsoring my university expenses and my living expenses in Tangerang, which is quite expensive.

I didn't mean to show off about this, but my first semester GPA is 3.6 which is quite remarkable for a formerly lazy student like me and I'm really proud of it. Since I entered the second semester, my university shifted our class members within the same faculty. This is where it all started.

I befriend the wrong peoples. Sorry guys if you read this, but I didn't mean you guys are bad in terms of manner or behaviour. It's just that I am easily got carried away. It's entirely not you guys fault. If there's someone to blame it is me alone. What happened is I befriended some friends and we start hanging out, having fun outside school. Me, I start to lose my interest and what should be my primary objection - study and pay attention. I rarely pay attention in class, I skipped classes, I spent less time to self-study. Naturally, I'm not a genius and what keeps my grade high is that I'm so eager to study. Thus my lack interest of studying has done a great damage on my grade.

My 2nd semester GPA dropped significantly to 2.0. Tragic huh... People says regret came later. Well, this is basically what I really felt. I feel so betrayed, regretting everything I've done til' now. Feeling so ignorant and fooled. Why do I let my greediness take over me, why do I prioritize having fun over my parent's feeling?

Dad, I'm really sorry for disappointing you. You know I can't say that right in front of you because I'm too proud of myself. ;( But I promise I'll correct this mistake right away. I want disappoint you. I learned what I've to learn about this matter.

I'm back!

Guys, sorry for neglecting this blog. I have so much things happening in my life and it was too much for me to handle. Everything is getting better now and I'm back to posting and I'm ready to tend my blog again. :) Thanks for those who sent me mails for support. It means a lot to me. I'll post again very soon.

Motivation from Youtube Videos

This is a great motivation for people who keep saying "I can't do it." 

You have to know that there's no exact rules on everything.

Don't feel shy to do what you think is right.

You are what you are...

No one can copy you...

Even if everyone hates you...

There's always somebody outside that support you...

You don't know about it because...

You close your eyes..

Do you even Lift ?

People are awesome!!!